Identity Crisis

I am beginning to have an identity crisis.  Some days I am not sure who I am!  This is because my sweet Scott often doesn't know who I am.  Last week he called me Andy most of the day.  Other times he wants to tell me something but can't remember what my name is.  This morning we were laying in bed before starting the day and he seemed confused.  I asked him, "Do you ever wonder who this stranger is who is in bed with you?"  He didn't answer but I some how knew that he didn't.  I am glad that he likes me most of the time--even if I am a stranger!

Happy Birthday Dad!

World War II

Last Formal Picture

My dad would have been 94 years old today.  I often think of him and wish he was here to talk to.  He could be difficult but he could also be kind and generous.  My kids loved him and even with his flaws he became a very important part of their lives.  He was a hard worker, committed Union man, and the love of my mom's life.  How proud and happy he would be of his children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.

January 31, 1924-August 24, 2000

Quote

You will come to know that what appears today seems to be a sacrifice will prove instead to be the greatest investment that you will ever make.

Gordon B Hinckley

On a Mission

I took dad for a walk this afternoon where he goes each day.  We pulled in beside a woman who was on her phone.  Dad got out of the car and started to walk.  A few seconds later she got out of her car and said, "Does he always walk that fast--he's on a mission!"  I smiled at the comment.  He is on a mission.  I think sometimes it is the only things he feels that he can do by himself and although he gets in the car after his walk and looks like he is a beat puppy he is proud of himself.  I am proud of him too!

Update

It has been a while since I wrote about how your dad is doing.  I have hesitated for several reasons.  One,  he was having a really difficult time and two, we had a doctor appointment scheduled and I hoped to have some better information at that time.  For several weeks now his anxiety has risen quite a bit.  He was getting so upset that he was often screaming at me and a couple of times he grabbed me or got right up to my face and yelled.  A couple of times I was concerned that he would hit me but fortunately he has not done that.  We went to the doctor last Friday and it wasn't pretty.  He was yelling at me, at the doctor who hadn't come in yet, and then he would cry and pound on the examination table wanting to know why I wasn't helping him.  He kept walking to the door saying he was leaving but never did.  By the time the doctor got into the room (I think he intentionally stays out to hear how we interact with each other) your dad was pretty sullen.  After trying to talk to him and then talking with me he decided we should increase a particular medicine that he takes at bedtime to taking it in the morning as well.  Yesterday was the first day that we actually did that and, keeping my fingers crossed,  the change was amazing.  Not once did he lose his temper.  We took two drives instead of the typical three that we have been doing for the past month.  Bedtime was a simple procedure without him yelling at me because he didn't know why I wanted him to change his clothes.  Although he talked about going to bed about 4:30 he was fine when I explained that it was way to early and we would need to have some dinner before he even thought about going to bed.  Today was the same.  Calmer, sweeter, happier! 

At this time he is going to bed about 7:30 and is still asleep when I wake up at 7:30 in the morning.  He seldom wakes when I come to bed at 11 p.m.  I have to admit that has been a wonderful relief for me.  I am enjoying some time to myself and he is resting which I know that he needs.  He still takes his walk each morning and since the time he ran away from home (smile) he hasn't left the house without me.  Eating is a challenge still but I am trying different things to help him eat better.  He still loves his ice cream cone at McD's and loves sharing a diet coke with me each day.  He got to where he wouldn't eat any meat and it finally dawned on me that he didn't know how to cut it.  Now before I put his plate in front of him I cut the meat into smaller pieces and he eats every bit of it. 

On Tuesday I left dad with Angela (Thank you Angela!) and went to the doctor's office.  He wanted to see the medicines that he was taking so I took them in.  While there he wanted me to think about putting him into a facility but I firmly told him that isn't even up for discussion.  Yes, I get tired.  Sometimes I am overwhelmed.  But no one in a facility would ever take care of him the way I would want.  No one would love him like I do.  I think that the 46 years we have spent together should trump all of the worlds opinions about what should happen when someone you love is dealing with such a debilitating disease.  If the time ever came that he couldn't be at home then he and I will go together to an assisted care facility.  I pray that that doesn't happen!

Thank you all for the phone calls, the visits, and the support we both feel.  Each morning I talk to Amy on the phone.  Angela and Andy continually check in on us and stop by for visits.  Ben calls each week and Bill calls a couple of times a week.  Those are my lifeline and I truly love and appreciate all of you for your love and support.  I know dad would say the same thing if he was able.

Annoying

There are definitely personality changes that happens when a person has Alzheimer's Disease.  Scott started doing something that is driving me nuts!  He has become fixated on pointing out every "beautiful" (as he describes them) woman he sees.  I am often embarrassed when we are in a store and he loudly proclaims how beautiful he thinks someone is.  Let's just hope that some spouse or boyfriend doesn't hear him or we may be in big trouble.  I have a new computer and I put a picture of our kids and their spouses that was taken when we were all quite a bit younger.  He came in one morning and saw it and exclaimed, "Who are those beautiful women?!"  I turned around and said, "they are your daughters!"  I think this new annoying habit is bugging me because as I pointed out to Ellis recently that my grandma used to say all the time, "You can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear!"  I've been feeling much like the sows ear lately and this new found change in personality is weighing heavy on me.  Fortunately when I told Ellis what my grandma use to say he said, "Grandma, you are a silk purse!"  Grandchildren are the best--thank you Ellis.

Happy Birthday Jeremy!

11

Years

Old

January 13, 2007 

Outgoing

Enthusiastic

Pianist

Interesting

Hardworking

Happy Birthday Owen!

20 

             Years                            Old 

January 14, 1998

Friendly

Dedicated

Student

Musician

Impressive

Happy Birthday Ellis!

17 

years 

old

January 5, 2001

Athletic

Artistic

Creative

Kind

Funny

Journal Prompt

Time to put my thoughts on paper and the journal prompt I chose is--Small things that make you happy.

My friend Jody had a cross stitch that she made that said, "I love little things." Maybe that has always made me excited just thinking about that concept of little things!  So here are my happy things--I love when my phone rings and it is one of our kids calling.  I love when my grandkids are visiting and they are all laughing and playing together.  I loved seeing Perry throw his arms around his mother when he came down the stairs at the airport.  I love that little dog that made my grandson smile from ear to ear.  I am happy when Scott has a day without very much anxiety.  I am happy when I can talk to people.  I am happy when I have something to look forward to.  I love my friends.  There aren't bunches of them but the ones who have continued to touch base with me make everything more doable.  I am happy when it snows and I don't have to live in it but get to see and be reminded of how beautiful it is.  I am happy because my grandkids are so responsible. I am happy when I see our kids loving their spouses.  I am happy because we live in such a beautiful house in a safe neighborhood.  I am happy I can use a computer, a Tablet, and a fancy phone!   I am happy because I know that joining the Church was made possible because my dad and mom were humble enough to accept the missionaries.

I guess this could be a "count your blessings" list!

Nice People

I love nice people.  I met one today when dad got away from me at Winco.  I had gotten out of the car and opened the back door to get my bag out for groceries.  When I turned around he was gone.  I saw him walking into the store and by the time I got there he was pushing a cart back towards the entrance.  I called to him and when I did this sweet woman said, "oh, he is with you."  I told him that I already had the cart and went to take his back when the sweet lady said that the cart was hers.  Dad had told her he needed it and she just gave it to him and was headed back to get another one.  Often when dad has his moments people head the other direction or pretend like we aren't there.  I loved that she recognized right away that something wasn't right and helped him out.  Without realizing it she had helped me out too.  I love nice people!

Quote

One of God's greatest gifts to us is the joy of trying again, for no failure ever need be final.

President Thomas S. Monson

Graham

We had company after Christmas.  Bill and Cathy and their family came for a few days.  They left on Friday and Amy and Christian and the kids came and stayed for a few days as well.  It was wonderful to have them all here. Our youngest grandson Graham was the life of the party and you never knew where he might wind up!

Mission Accomplished!

On Tuesday evening we were able to gather at the Ontario International Airport to welcome home our first
grandson from his mission.  After some painful delay information he flew in at 9:05 p.m.  I wasn't sure that we would make it down because Scott was really struggling with the concept but I have to say that prayers were answered and by the time Perry arrived he was doing really great.  Love that Perry was able to serve in Kentucky and look forward to hearing many wonderful experiences that he had while he was there.

New Years Resolution

Be Grateful through the Journey!

I don't have a list of goals for this coming year.  I was listening to one of my favorite people, Dennis Prager. He had a guest come on and talk about her amazing father who was battling brain cancer and she said that her dad was so positive in spite of all the trials he is dealing with.  She said his goal was to be "grateful through the journey!"  My list stopped right there.  I will focus on doing the same thing through the coming year.  I do occasionally lose my good intentions and snap at Scott or lose my patience and I feel terrible when I do.  I realized recently how many times in the past year I have had impressions of special experiences we have had together in the past.  One was looking out the kitchen window when we lived in Kingman, Arizona and there was Scott marching around the back yard pretending to play the trombone with Bill, Andy, and Ben marching behind him playing along.  I thought of the first garden he grew in Kingman that was magazine perfect and overwhelming because it produced so much food.  We could hardly stay ahead of it.  I think of him laying beside Amy each night reading her so many wonderful books and me telling him it was time to stop so she could get to sleep.  Those are just a few of sweet moments that I am enjoying.  I know that many more special memories will come as he slips farther away.  Those memories will help me be "grateful through the journey!"

Grandpuppy!

Meet Burke!

This is the first dog in the family since our kids left home.  Glad Bill and Cathy decided to get this cute little guy!  So excited they have a new dog.  Hope he likes their chickens!