Forgiveness

At 5 a.m. this morning Grandpa woke up and nothing I tried worked to get him back in bed and settled down.  I finally gave up and angrily got up and took him into the livingroom and turned on the television after scolding him.  Normally I just lay on the couch and sleep while he watches My Three Sons, Leave it to Beaver and then Perry Mason.  But I was angry with him and tired of the continual yelling so I turned around and got back in bed.  Then I cried as I asked for Heavenly Father's forgiveness because I couldn't deal with someone who cannot control his anxiety.  And I wasn't able to control my frustration and anger.  As I lay in bed listening to him laughing at the show I thought how hard it must be for people in care facilities to deal with the anger and frustration of their patients because they don't have the love for and memories of their patient.  But I do.  And I knew as I laid in bed that he deserves much more than I was giving him this morning.  Every time he saw something on the television that he liked he would say, "Elaine, Elaine did you see that."  I was ashamed because I didn't and also sad because I was in the other room and he still talked to me.  I'm not sure why this affected me so negatively this morning because he is now in that stage where he fights everything and is negative about much of the things around him.  The continual coaxing, reminding, and redirecting just came to a head and I am ashamed to say I did not live up to my potential as a loving spouse and a kind caregiver.  Tonight I will pray again for him to sleep better but I will also pray that I will be able to be better.  He deserves that.