Forgetting

I have been struggling.  I have prided myself in the fact that I have been able to see the silver lining.  I have actually been proud.  Too proud!  But lately I have been sad, tired, worried, and afraid.  I faithfully keep a to do list that helped me focus on accomplishing.  And then it happened I couldn't put my reminders on paper.  I couldn't make a commitment to keep moving forward and I hated that feeling but still couldn't shake it off and get busy.  When Grandpa fell and injured himself and I looked at his painful black eye I almost felt like it was just to much to bear.  Since the fall he can't stand without help and is in terrible pain while he does.  Just another burden?  Sadly, I had to fight that thought because Grandpa is not a burden.  For all I feel that I suffer I have to remember that he has lost everything. Everything but me.  I can remember.  I can do.  I can feel.  I am Grandpa's last lifeline before he passes to a brighter, kinder place.  I have never been depressed.  I have lectured myself about doing hard things and being happy and finding happiness in each struggle that may come my way.  I do that because I know there is a lesson to be learned in every experience we have.  Yesterday I saw an article written in 2011 entitled, "It Wasn't Because Laman and Lemuel had a bad attitude" and I was intrigued and printed it out to read it later. 

This morning it took almost an hour to get grandpa cleaned up and dressed.  I then had to feed him because I couldn't help him sit at the table.  After I was finished I sat down at the table to eat my breakfast and I watched him stare off into space and I started to cry.  And then fortunately, I began to pray.  I told my Heavenly Father I was so sad because I am overwhelmed and I don't want to be.  I asked forgiveness for my lack of patience and then pleaded with him to help me know what I should do.  I told Him that I wanted to want again.  I wanted to have thoughts and ideas come to my mind that would keep me busy and grateful.  I then ended my prayer and cleaned the kitchen and then went to sit at my desk.  The talk I had printed out was sitting there and I started to read it.  I read the following comment by Maurine Proctor.  "We are placed on a wilderness journey because the Lord is doing his work on us, because always the purpose of such a journey is to transform the travelers, burn out their impurities, strip them of the world, clarify their thinking, and sharpen their devotion that they may be candidates to dwell in the promised land.  The wilderness journey is the Lord's kindness to us, to make us fit for his kingdom."  Guess what, I started to cry.  (I know that was an easy guess because you know me!)  I was reminded that nothing that is happening right now is without purpose.  I am not on this journey without backup.  Grandpa is not on this journey without backup.  And as important and supportive all of you have been I have even someone who knows exactly how I feel.  He went in the Garden to pray for each one of us.  He knows suffering, sadness, depression, fear.  And because He knows we have hope, happiness, joy and faith.  I had for a brief time forgotten to remember.  And I have been remembering why I wanted to keep grandpa with me.  To help him move through this trial with the person who loved him the most.  I loved him because he always loved me. 

So the journey we are on will continue.  There will be peaks and valleys.  There are going to be lots more tears but you know what?  I'm not a Laman or Lemuel.  I want to be a Nephi.  As Sister Proctor wrote, "Nephi's journey, which is a type of our journey in life, was joyously transformed because he did know the dealings of that God who had created him.  This core understanding changed the nature of his journey...because it changed his core, the very essence of who he was."  As hard as it is sometimes to see the struggles that Grandpa is dealing with, how much worse it would have been if I hadn't stayed the course.  Dear grandkids please keep moving forward.  Don't let your trials make you question your value.  Let those trials remind you that you are never alone on any journey you take.  Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ know you, love you, help you, and want you strong and able so you can return to them when you finish the journey you are on.  I will do the same!