My Weeping Week

I just recently told one of my kids that I thought I had finally gotten myself cried out.  I could talk about what was happening with dad without breaking down.  I felt like I had come to terms with the reality of what was ahead and knew that grieving continually wasn't going to change anything.  I actually felt very liberated because I felt that I had finally come to terms with what was happening and that overall I am able to stay ahead of Scott and give him the love and care he needs.  I still feel that way.

But something different has started happening that I am not sure I can explain but I am going to try.  If you read this that means I felt I had explained myself to myself!  Now most days by 7:30 in the evening Scott goes to bed.  At first I have truly appreciated the quiet time I had.  I do my scripture study, listen to a book on tape, write notes, or spent time on the computer.  Sometimes I don't do anything but just sit on the couch and enjoy the peace of the moment.  Hence, the crying has come. I have thought so much about the life Scott and I made together.  I have tried to focus on the best of times--but the reality is that when the worst crept in I have been able to reflect and celebrate so much good that came out of those more difficult moments.  In some ways I think I have been crying "tears of joy" for a life full of blessings.  Sometimes I feel so lonely for a simple conversation or a walk down memory lane with the person who made that journey with me--but that just can't be any more.  In spite of that, I often tell him something about himself when he was a kid, or when he was a missionary, or when we were young marrieds planning a future together, or what a great dad he was.  I always hope that it will trigger a memory for him but sadly that is not to be.  We use to tease my mom who was a great "crier".   She would get so mad at herself when she did.  I hope that her tears were because of joyful memories and that she forgives all of us not crying along with her.

I am thankful for tears.  I am thankful for remembering!