Update

I have loved listening to conference and have been teary eyed through much of it.  The Hosanna Shout was amazing and touching and finishing off with singing the Spirit of God had me crying without shame!  I have a new theme for my life right now and it came from President Nelson yesterday during the morning session.  THE LORD LOVES EFFORT!   They always remind us to listen to conference waiting for the answers to our personal concerns and questions and when those words were spoken I had my answer.  Dad is struggling right now and since yesterday morning he has been on the couch.  He can no longer get himself up and cries out in pain if I move him even a tiny bit.  Amy and Christian came over after the morning session of conference and moved the new mattress I bought when we moved to Apple Valley into the guest room and took our original mattress and put it on our bed.  I asked for that help because the night before it took everything dad and I had to get him onto the mattress.  Our old mattress (which I loved) isn't the big loft kind and my thought was it would be easier for him to get into bed.  In the end it, I think, it has become a mute point.  When I was able to finally get him on the love seat yesterday morning that was the end of him standing on his own.  I tried to change him on the couch which ended up having him on the ground and no amount of coaxing or directing helped get him back up.  I finally called my ministering sister and asked if her husband could come and help me get him back on the couch.  She said he was on his way and a minute later he and his son, our Bishop, walked in.  They were able to lift him and put him on the long couch.  He has been there since.  Last night at about 10:00 I went in and got his pillow, brought his feet up onto the couch and covered him with a blanket.  I told him goodnight and then went into our bedroom.  He never said a word.  In my prayers I asked that Heavenly Father could help him sleep peacefully and keep him safe from falling off of the couch.  I laid down in bed feeling the same guilt I feel every time something happens that I can't do anything about.  At 5 a.m. this morning I woke up shocked that it was 5.  I went into the family room and saw grandpa sleeping soundly.  I covered his feet which were sticking out of the blanket and he didn't stir.  I sat down on the love seat and fell back asleep and woke up at 8:30 when he called my name!  That is the most sleep either of us has had in well over a month and I was so grateful I took a minute to express my gratitude in prayer.  I then fed him "breakfast on couch!"  I was able to change his clothes without him falling off the couch and did it again about 2 hours later when he was soaked.  Dad has edema and both of his feet are seriously swollen so they put him on a medication that causes him to pee.  And it works!

The reality of all this is what the nurse, I think, has been preparing me for the next addition to our house.  Tomorrow I will tell her that I agree we need a hospital bed.  She wants it set up in the family room and this morning I made a plan in my mind  of where it will go and what piece of furniture will move to the garage.  When dad looses his fight I am forced to listen and do what is best for him.  What does all this mean?  I really don't know.  He has bruising all up and down his leg, his feet look like balloons, and even some of his fight is gone.  In the hospital bed I will be able to sit him up without having to lift him and hopefully changing him will be a little easier if I don't have to bend down quite so far.  Each time something happens I am finding another ache and pain I didn't have before.  Aspirin is becoming my frequent go to.  He is now off of all medication for his anxiety and I have to admit that has been easier that I thought it would be.  It was to calm anxiety but I had felt for a long time that it wasn't working and in fact added to his paranoia.  Thank you all for your love and support and for touching bases with us.  Rachel's flowers are still beautiful and every time I look at them I am reminded that I am loved by so many wonderful family members who help me move through this journey.  And although I fail terribly is caring for dad I know that He who loves us most LOVES MY EFFORT!