#11 Forgive others and forgive yourself
I think that dealing with the painful reality of Alzheimer's disease is that it makes the caregiver experience a pummeling like a rough stone rolling down the hill. I still have many jagged edges to be smoothed in the process. Years ago I read Spencer W. Kimball's book, The Miracle of Forgiveness. In my life I have experienced that miracle many times. Afton Day once said; "Life is so simple when you learn to allow others to be inadequate!" I have had to admit there are times when I too am inadequate to the responsibility I have as a caregiver. I am sad to confess that dealing with the daily challenges as a caregiver I have required forgiveness many times when I lost patience with Grandpa. I have had many times when I begged forgiveness and prayed for strength to keep going and to keep trying to be better. I have also experienced the peace that is promised when we lay our burdens at His feet. As I have come more aware of the reality of this mean disease I have found it easier to be more patient, and more kind in the responses I give to your grandpa. He didn't choose what has happened to him and neither did I. But it is here and I will rely on a kind and loving Heavenly Father who knows both of us better than we know ourselves. He believes in me and I want Him to know that I believe in Him.
I have often been frustrated and disappointed by others when I felt so alone and lonely Why don't they come and visit? Why don't they call? But fortunately, the reality for me has been this question that always comes to mind--Where were you when others you knew were struggling, or needed a friend, or felt lonely? I have fallen way to short in ministering to others and in reality we could all be better at caring for the ones in our life who need a friend. I have made a promise to myself that when the time comes when I am able to get out and help others I will make up for the times I fell short. The miracle of forgiveness is that we can cast our burdens, forgive those who we believe hurt or let us down, and when we let go we can receive an assurance that all can be well.
Wednesday, February 27, 2019
Happy Birthday Mom!
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| 17 Years Old |
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| This is her in her Ryan-Evans Drug Store uniform in the 60's. |
Tuesday, February 26, 2019
Meg is Going on a Mission!
Another of our grandchildren has accepted the call to serve! Margaret Joy (our Meg!) will be assigned as a service missionary. She received the call but where she will actually do her service is yet to be determined. She will be meeting with the Stake President and they will work with the missionary department on her assignments. She will complete her semester at BYU before she begins. As a service missionary she will be living at home and going to her assigned area each day. Once her mission is complete she plans to return to BYU. I thought of my mom (your great-grandmother) when I was talking to Meg. One of her favorite hymns was I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go. They sung it at my brothers mission farewell and she loved it from then on. The message is one of commitment, acceptance, desire, and love of our Savior. Meg has everything she needs to complete her mission with honor.
It may not be on the mountain height
Or over the stormy sea,
It may not be at the battle’s front
My Lord will have need of me.
But if, by a still, small voice he calls
To paths that I do not know,
I’ll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in thine:
I’ll go where you want me to go.
I’ll go where you want me to go, dear Lord,
Over mountain or plain or sea;
I’ll say what you want me to say, dear Lord;
I’ll be what you want me to be
Monday, February 25, 2019
Bunny Bottoms!
I lost two nights sleep worrying about making the cupcakes Eden told me she wanted for her birthday party. It was definitely out of my comfort zone because it involved fondant and a fluffy tail! I decided to take pictures of my progress and since you are seeing this--obviously I am very pleased with how cute they turned out!
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| Strawberry Cupcakes |
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| Filled the cored cupcakes with a cream filling |
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| Bunny Bottoms out of fondant |
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| Bunny Tails! |
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| Add some grass frosting & Oreo dirt |
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| Bunny Paws |
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| They turned out so cute! And tonight I will be able to sleep! |
Sunday, February 24, 2019
Scripture Study
This morning I read something I had never noticed before but it really struck me as significant. I wanted to share it with all of you. My study right now is in the Book of Mormon. I just finished Helaman where I read about the birth of Jesus Christ and the positive affect it had on the Lamanites and Nephites. But within a short period of time it tells us that "Satan did get great hold upon the hearts of the people upon all the face of the land." (Helaman 16:23) As I continued to read in 3rd Nephi 2:29-30 I was struck by the following; "And there was also a cause of much sorrow among the Lamanites; for behold, they had many children who did grow up and began to wax strong in years, that they became for themselves, and were led away by some who were Zoramites, by their lyings and their flattering words, to join those Gadianton robbers. And thus were the Lamanites afflicted also, and began to decrease as to their faith and righteousness, because of the wickedness of the rising generation." I know that became for themselves meant that they were old enough to be on their own, but the thought came to me that the Book of Mormon was written for our times. The lessons of the Book of Mormon are to help us maneuver through the challenges that will come in the last days before the return of the Savior. With that idea in my mind that phrase had a different meaning. How careful we need to be that our pride doesn't blind us to the Truth. We all need to be to vigilant and not be lead away by those who want to destroy our faith in Jesus Christ.
Saturday, February 23, 2019
The End
Visiting the American Girl store and letting a granddaughter pick her American girl doll has been a wonderful tradition. Today Eden had her turn. Sadly the store didn't have the cute pink and black restaurant to eat in but she found her doll and had a great time looking at all the other dolls and accessories. I hope all of you enjoyed your dolls as much as I enjoyed getting them for you. Maybe a time will come when your mothers will take your daughters for their first American Girl doll.
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| Lunch at Kneaders afterwards |
Caregiver Tip
#10 Expect the unexpected
When you are dealing with a person with Alzheimer's you have to learn to go with the flow. What works one time will be a total fail the next. I have found that although I try to keep a routine in Grandpa's life it is often not enough. I often get excited when I try something that I believe will be better for him--and it works--only to find that the next time it fails miserably! Sometimes I have to remind myself that an hour after something happens with Grandpa he doesn't remember it. Recently he watched the movie The Greatest Showman. He absolutely loved it. Since that time he has watched it several times and each time he is awed by it. It is because he doesn't remember seeing it before. That has come in very handy a number of times when I need something to distract or to calm him down. Another great movie for him is Coco. He loves it. I love his enthusiasm even though he has had to pay a huge price for it. In an instant Grandpa can go from being a lamb to a lion and the simplest thing can set him off.
If you have ever heard the phrase "like water off a duck's back" you will understand how important it is to not let things get to you. Let it land, but don't let it stick. Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, "It is your reaction to adversity not the adversity itself, that determines how your life story will develop." There have been a number of times that Grandpa has said something that truly hurt my heart. I know he didn't mean it or even understood how hurtful his comment was. It is at that time that I have to remind myself that another time he will surprise me with a sweet word or kind gesture that comes from nowhere. I don't keep score to see if the good is more than the bad. I just cling to the good moments that make it all worthwhile.
When you are dealing with a person with Alzheimer's you have to learn to go with the flow. What works one time will be a total fail the next. I have found that although I try to keep a routine in Grandpa's life it is often not enough. I often get excited when I try something that I believe will be better for him--and it works--only to find that the next time it fails miserably! Sometimes I have to remind myself that an hour after something happens with Grandpa he doesn't remember it. Recently he watched the movie The Greatest Showman. He absolutely loved it. Since that time he has watched it several times and each time he is awed by it. It is because he doesn't remember seeing it before. That has come in very handy a number of times when I need something to distract or to calm him down. Another great movie for him is Coco. He loves it. I love his enthusiasm even though he has had to pay a huge price for it. In an instant Grandpa can go from being a lamb to a lion and the simplest thing can set him off.
If you have ever heard the phrase "like water off a duck's back" you will understand how important it is to not let things get to you. Let it land, but don't let it stick. Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, "It is your reaction to adversity not the adversity itself, that determines how your life story will develop." There have been a number of times that Grandpa has said something that truly hurt my heart. I know he didn't mean it or even understood how hurtful his comment was. It is at that time that I have to remind myself that another time he will surprise me with a sweet word or kind gesture that comes from nowhere. I don't keep score to see if the good is more than the bad. I just cling to the good moments that make it all worthwhile.
Friday, February 22, 2019
Thursday, February 21, 2019
Caregiver Tip
#9 Pity parties need to be short.
I try to be positive and look for the good through this process of taking care of Grandpa. Most of the time I am able to see the good and feel the strength needed to do what is required as his caregiver. But in all honesty I occasionally hit a wall and the pity party begins. Recently in one of those moments the thought came to me--get over yourself! I feel sad but I try to remember what it would be like if my mind was in constant turmoil. What would it be like when you want to say something but the words can't come out. How would you feel if you get up in the night to use the restroom and can't find your way back to bed without calling for help. Even in my worst moments I am not close to the life that an Alzheimer patient lives. At times like that I remember that my care-giving is much less stressful then what Grandpa has to deal with.
I wish I knew who said this. We are not given a good life or a bad life. We are given a life. It's up to us to make it good or bad. In life there will be peaks and valley's and ultimately we must decide what the end results will be by how we respond to them.
I try to be positive and look for the good through this process of taking care of Grandpa. Most of the time I am able to see the good and feel the strength needed to do what is required as his caregiver. But in all honesty I occasionally hit a wall and the pity party begins. Recently in one of those moments the thought came to me--get over yourself! I feel sad but I try to remember what it would be like if my mind was in constant turmoil. What would it be like when you want to say something but the words can't come out. How would you feel if you get up in the night to use the restroom and can't find your way back to bed without calling for help. Even in my worst moments I am not close to the life that an Alzheimer patient lives. At times like that I remember that my care-giving is much less stressful then what Grandpa has to deal with.
I wish I knew who said this. We are not given a good life or a bad life. We are given a life. It's up to us to make it good or bad. In life there will be peaks and valley's and ultimately we must decide what the end results will be by how we respond to them.
Bragging Rights
Tuesday, February 19, 2019
Caregiver Tip
#8 Don't forget to pray
I recently read a story shared by President Eyring about his father's prayer during a losing battle with cancer. He said that his father's example taught him the deeply personal relationship between God and His children. He shared; "When the pain became intense, we found him in the morning on his knees by the bed. He had been to weak to get back into bed. He told us he had been praying to ask his Heavenly Father why he had to suffer so much when he had always tried to be good. He said a kindly answer came: 'God needs brave sons.' And so he soldiered on to the end trusting that God loved him, listened to him and would lift him up. He was blessed to have known early and never forget that a loving God is as close as a prayer."
I have been taught that Heavenly Father knows us and cares about us. He knows what we need but he expects us to talk to Him about what is in our heart and on our mind. Sadly, some times we need to have a life changing experience before we come to understand how important our relationship with a loving Heavenly Father is. Morning and evening prayers have always been a part of my life after I joined the Church but I, like many struggled with not having my prayers become rote and with little substance.
Sadly, but gratefully, Grandpa's diagnosis changed my understanding of prayer and my ability to rely on the Lord and not on my own understanding. In the beginning I believe the only thing that got me through the grief I was feeling was the knowledge that I had a loving Savior who knew every agony we would experience because of his time in Gethsemane. It was often a part of my prayers to thank Heavenly Father for the sacrifice of his Son for each of us. I came to understand what I needed, I would have, to deal with Grandpa's needs. I felt buoyed up continually. I received distinct impressions of things to do to help Grandpa get through a difficult day or night. I realized that I was never alone with this process because I had family and friends who continually shared in the process but more importantly I know that Heavenly Father loves Scott and he loves me. This experience will be but a small moment in the grand scheme of things and I know that He knows I can do it.
So dear grandchildren no matter what you face in life, if you want to have a positive outcome and a greater understanding of what He needs from you and what He can do for you--Don't Forget to Pray!
I recently read a story shared by President Eyring about his father's prayer during a losing battle with cancer. He said that his father's example taught him the deeply personal relationship between God and His children. He shared; "When the pain became intense, we found him in the morning on his knees by the bed. He had been to weak to get back into bed. He told us he had been praying to ask his Heavenly Father why he had to suffer so much when he had always tried to be good. He said a kindly answer came: 'God needs brave sons.' And so he soldiered on to the end trusting that God loved him, listened to him and would lift him up. He was blessed to have known early and never forget that a loving God is as close as a prayer."
I have been taught that Heavenly Father knows us and cares about us. He knows what we need but he expects us to talk to Him about what is in our heart and on our mind. Sadly, some times we need to have a life changing experience before we come to understand how important our relationship with a loving Heavenly Father is. Morning and evening prayers have always been a part of my life after I joined the Church but I, like many struggled with not having my prayers become rote and with little substance.
Sadly, but gratefully, Grandpa's diagnosis changed my understanding of prayer and my ability to rely on the Lord and not on my own understanding. In the beginning I believe the only thing that got me through the grief I was feeling was the knowledge that I had a loving Savior who knew every agony we would experience because of his time in Gethsemane. It was often a part of my prayers to thank Heavenly Father for the sacrifice of his Son for each of us. I came to understand what I needed, I would have, to deal with Grandpa's needs. I felt buoyed up continually. I received distinct impressions of things to do to help Grandpa get through a difficult day or night. I realized that I was never alone with this process because I had family and friends who continually shared in the process but more importantly I know that Heavenly Father loves Scott and he loves me. This experience will be but a small moment in the grand scheme of things and I know that He knows I can do it.
So dear grandchildren no matter what you face in life, if you want to have a positive outcome and a greater understanding of what He needs from you and what He can do for you--Don't Forget to Pray!
Sunday, February 17, 2019
Caregiver Tip
#7 Dignity
After Grandpa was diagnosed I felt it was time to make a change. We sold our house and bought another one in the Del Webb community which was a gated area. As it happened we moved in next to a wonderful neighbor. She was such a blessing to me. She moved a short time before we sold our house and moved to Arizona. Her husband had Alzheimer's disease and had passed away. We had many conversations and I gained a great deal of empathy and help from her. She told me that when they told her and her husband that he had Alzheimer's disease he made her promise to help him have dignity as the disease took over. That thought impacted me so much. Sadly, I haven't been diligent in keeping grandpa away from the stares and occasional annoyance I see on other people's faces. Much of my thought process was to believe that giving him opportunities to do things with me was better than keeping him away from other people. I realize that Grandpa is oblivious to reactions of anyone but I see it and feel bad that they didn't know the kind shy man who would never have done anything to embarrass himself or others. After several incidences in the last few weeks I know now that I can no longer take him into areas that are large, busy, or noisy so adjustments are being made. I run errands in the evening when he is sleeping. Right now Lincoln has come over after Grandpa goes to bed so I can get whatever we may need. Thankfully Aunt Amy is always willing to help out which has been another great blessing in dealing with this disease since we moved here. We still go out for drives and usually eat lunch in the car after a visit at a fast food drive thru.
I guess the upshot of all this information is to share with you my "words to live by;" You don't die from embarrassment--you just wish you could! I have often been embarrassed but honestly it is easier to smile and enjoy retelling the incident with a few embellishments!
After Grandpa was diagnosed I felt it was time to make a change. We sold our house and bought another one in the Del Webb community which was a gated area. As it happened we moved in next to a wonderful neighbor. She was such a blessing to me. She moved a short time before we sold our house and moved to Arizona. Her husband had Alzheimer's disease and had passed away. We had many conversations and I gained a great deal of empathy and help from her. She told me that when they told her and her husband that he had Alzheimer's disease he made her promise to help him have dignity as the disease took over. That thought impacted me so much. Sadly, I haven't been diligent in keeping grandpa away from the stares and occasional annoyance I see on other people's faces. Much of my thought process was to believe that giving him opportunities to do things with me was better than keeping him away from other people. I realize that Grandpa is oblivious to reactions of anyone but I see it and feel bad that they didn't know the kind shy man who would never have done anything to embarrass himself or others. After several incidences in the last few weeks I know now that I can no longer take him into areas that are large, busy, or noisy so adjustments are being made. I run errands in the evening when he is sleeping. Right now Lincoln has come over after Grandpa goes to bed so I can get whatever we may need. Thankfully Aunt Amy is always willing to help out which has been another great blessing in dealing with this disease since we moved here. We still go out for drives and usually eat lunch in the car after a visit at a fast food drive thru.
I guess the upshot of all this information is to share with you my "words to live by;" You don't die from embarrassment--you just wish you could! I have often been embarrassed but honestly it is easier to smile and enjoy retelling the incident with a few embellishments!
Saturday, February 16, 2019
Caregiver Tip
#6 Get ready to grieve
I read a quote once that said; "One of the hardest things you will ever do is to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive." I have experienced that first hand. I often describe Alzheimer's as the grieving disease because you never find closure. I think I get use to the things that Grandpa does or can't do and when that changes, another part of him is lost to me. I have felt lately the periods between my grieving has lengthened. Not because I am getting use to it (that will never happen) but because each time there is a change there is less to lose.
I read a quote once that said; "One of the hardest things you will ever do is to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive." I have experienced that first hand. I often describe Alzheimer's as the grieving disease because you never find closure. I think I get use to the things that Grandpa does or can't do and when that changes, another part of him is lost to me. I have felt lately the periods between my grieving has lengthened. Not because I am getting use to it (that will never happen) but because each time there is a change there is less to lose.
Thursday, February 14, 2019
Shared Tradition
Each Valentine's Day the Whitney's have a family tradition of having a chocolate fondue and a variety of fruits and other items for dipping. This year they came with the goodies so that I could share in their tradition. It was great fun and really tasty!
Caregiver Tip
#5 Don't wait
I think that this tip is something that I reflect back on and feel grateful for what we were able to do before Grandpa started really struggling with the Alzheimer's symptoms. I pushed Grandpa a little for quite some time because I didn't want him to quit and maybe because I hoped he could fight a little longer to grasp what reality he had left. I am glad that we were able to do our mission. What a blessing it was to travel continually when we weren't at work. New England was full of history and beauty. Beauty so different from the desert and something you had to see to believe. I often tell him about things we did and saw and although he doesn't remember he loves hearing about them.
I had to come to terms recently that Grandpa can't go into stores where people are continually moving around or the noise level is too high. It is hard to accept our limitations but I have seen a marked difference now that he isn't doing it. We now go on drives and deal with drive-thru places for lunch and that still works. Grandpa has no memory of even what we did this morning but I do. In spite of the limitations I still have memory and need to stay busy and challenged so I continually look for things that I can do to be busy and productive. You would be surprised how good I feel when I have a floor to mop or a sheets to change!
Be careful about waiting for the perfect time to go somewhere or do something special. You may find that the window of opportunity was much smaller than you could have imagined.
I think that this tip is something that I reflect back on and feel grateful for what we were able to do before Grandpa started really struggling with the Alzheimer's symptoms. I pushed Grandpa a little for quite some time because I didn't want him to quit and maybe because I hoped he could fight a little longer to grasp what reality he had left. I am glad that we were able to do our mission. What a blessing it was to travel continually when we weren't at work. New England was full of history and beauty. Beauty so different from the desert and something you had to see to believe. I often tell him about things we did and saw and although he doesn't remember he loves hearing about them.
I had to come to terms recently that Grandpa can't go into stores where people are continually moving around or the noise level is too high. It is hard to accept our limitations but I have seen a marked difference now that he isn't doing it. We now go on drives and deal with drive-thru places for lunch and that still works. Grandpa has no memory of even what we did this morning but I do. In spite of the limitations I still have memory and need to stay busy and challenged so I continually look for things that I can do to be busy and productive. You would be surprised how good I feel when I have a floor to mop or a sheets to change!
Be careful about waiting for the perfect time to go somewhere or do something special. You may find that the window of opportunity was much smaller than you could have imagined.
Special Guest
There is much I don't like on Facebook but one of the things I love is being able to connect with special friends from my past. Joleen was one of those friends. We were in the same ward as teenagers and she was actually with me when we went to the church dance where I met Scott. We had reconnected just before our mission and I would occasionally see some of her posts on Facebook. She wished me happy birthday earlier this month and I thanked her and told her that we had moved to Gilbert, Arizona. Shortly after, she told me that her mother lives in Gilbert and would love to stop by. On Wednesday she came and we talked non stop for about an hour--It was a wonderful visit!
Tuesday, February 12, 2019
Caregiver Tip
#4 No one is to blame
Our society seems to need an answer to everything that happens or someone to blame. I have come to realize that the reality of this life is that sometimes things just happen. I have read so much about Alzheimer's, not because I expect a miracle (I have experienced many since this began), but because I am looking for ideas that I may try to help Grandpa feel more comfortable as he loses touch with his life. I am especially annoyed by stupid things like what they think may cause a person to get Alzheimer's disease. I am even more annoyed when I read tips on how to keep from getting Alzheimer's. I'm sorry but if there was ever someone who didn't go searching to lose his mind, your grandfather would be that person. He was reading before he started first grade and until he started showing memory loss he never read one book at a time--he read three. He never used a bookmark but could open each book to the spot he finished at in a matter of seconds. If there was anything you wanted to know about science, history, math, politics, geography, or scriptures--you had a book of knowledge standing in front of you. Your grandpa never met a person he couldn't identify years later. He knew phone numbers and addresses if you gave him a name. He graduated from BYU--summa cum laude and would have been magna but he got a B in Physical Education. Grandpa could meticulously put a puzzle together (the bigger the better) and loved doing crossword puzzle books. He loved learning and took every opportunity he had to learn something new.
I don't know why Grandpa got sick. I don't know why young fathers and mothers pass away leaving behind a family who needs them. I don't know why some families seem to have many painful experiences and others seem to have none. The reality is when something happens to someone we love we have to not run around saying "I've been cheated." What we must do is reassure everyone that we interact with that we have faith that in the end everything will be made right. I recently read about a young mother with six children who died unexpectedly at 38. He husband is a seminary teacher in Idaho. He wrote such a profound reminder to me that I want you to hear. Brother Dakota Nelson said, "I know no one makes it through life without some sort of event that is strenuous to the soul but I had not realized how much one can be happy even when the light is out and it is dark."
Right now we have the opportunity to be Grandpa's light as he maneuvers through so much fear and confusion. There will come a time when he will thank us for all we did to help him when he wasn't able to help himself.
Our society seems to need an answer to everything that happens or someone to blame. I have come to realize that the reality of this life is that sometimes things just happen. I have read so much about Alzheimer's, not because I expect a miracle (I have experienced many since this began), but because I am looking for ideas that I may try to help Grandpa feel more comfortable as he loses touch with his life. I am especially annoyed by stupid things like what they think may cause a person to get Alzheimer's disease. I am even more annoyed when I read tips on how to keep from getting Alzheimer's. I'm sorry but if there was ever someone who didn't go searching to lose his mind, your grandfather would be that person. He was reading before he started first grade and until he started showing memory loss he never read one book at a time--he read three. He never used a bookmark but could open each book to the spot he finished at in a matter of seconds. If there was anything you wanted to know about science, history, math, politics, geography, or scriptures--you had a book of knowledge standing in front of you. Your grandpa never met a person he couldn't identify years later. He knew phone numbers and addresses if you gave him a name. He graduated from BYU--summa cum laude and would have been magna but he got a B in Physical Education. Grandpa could meticulously put a puzzle together (the bigger the better) and loved doing crossword puzzle books. He loved learning and took every opportunity he had to learn something new.
I don't know why Grandpa got sick. I don't know why young fathers and mothers pass away leaving behind a family who needs them. I don't know why some families seem to have many painful experiences and others seem to have none. The reality is when something happens to someone we love we have to not run around saying "I've been cheated." What we must do is reassure everyone that we interact with that we have faith that in the end everything will be made right. I recently read about a young mother with six children who died unexpectedly at 38. He husband is a seminary teacher in Idaho. He wrote such a profound reminder to me that I want you to hear. Brother Dakota Nelson said, "I know no one makes it through life without some sort of event that is strenuous to the soul but I had not realized how much one can be happy even when the light is out and it is dark."
Right now we have the opportunity to be Grandpa's light as he maneuvers through so much fear and confusion. There will come a time when he will thank us for all we did to help him when he wasn't able to help himself.
Monday, February 11, 2019
Caregiver Tip
#3 Family is everything.
I have learned so much since this disease became a part of my life. I always knew that I had the most wonderful family who would help with anything that I needed. What I came to understand when I fell and broke my shoulder was that not only will they help with anything--but that I didn't have to ask. I was told when they would be here. It was wonderful how quickly they were all communicating with each other to give and get updates and eventually to step forward and serve. I loved the fact that your Great Uncle Bill and Aunt Bev were at our house the next day and ended up coming back several more weeks until I was able to take care of myself and Grandpa. Uncle Christian didn't ask if we wanted him to spend the first night with us when I got home from the hospital--he just did. Aunt Amy never let a day pass that she wasn't at the house checking on us or providing food and other things that were needed. Although it required a full day of travel for Uncle Bill and Bruce and Abby they came. When Perry and Ellis drove all the way to California to spend Christmas with their family they didn't hesitate to come with them to Arizona and spend one of those weeks with us. Aunt Angela, who is helping her mother as she deals with serious health issues, still came to help both Grandpa and me. Even Meg who was so busy with work and school joined her dad on a second trip down.
The tip I learned through this difficult time is that no matter what happens in the coming years our family will be there for us. I won't need to ask. But it is so important to tell your family what you are doing. What you are worried about. What is happening with Grandpa. It is important to get their ideas and opinions and then utilize anything they share with you. They each knew better than I did about what I needed and then made sure it was provided. As I continue to share updates on Grandpa I can be sure that they are listening and will know what to do when I am not sure.
President Eyring taught, "Our most important and powerful assignments are in the family. They are important because the family has the opportunity at the start of a child's life to put feet firmly on the path home." I have witnessed the results of families who have taught their children to put their feet firmly on the path home because I witnessed the miracle of service that touched our lives during a very trying time. I am confident that as the disease progresses, as it will, that I will have other experiences to show me that we won't be dealing with anything alone.
I have learned so much since this disease became a part of my life. I always knew that I had the most wonderful family who would help with anything that I needed. What I came to understand when I fell and broke my shoulder was that not only will they help with anything--but that I didn't have to ask. I was told when they would be here. It was wonderful how quickly they were all communicating with each other to give and get updates and eventually to step forward and serve. I loved the fact that your Great Uncle Bill and Aunt Bev were at our house the next day and ended up coming back several more weeks until I was able to take care of myself and Grandpa. Uncle Christian didn't ask if we wanted him to spend the first night with us when I got home from the hospital--he just did. Aunt Amy never let a day pass that she wasn't at the house checking on us or providing food and other things that were needed. Although it required a full day of travel for Uncle Bill and Bruce and Abby they came. When Perry and Ellis drove all the way to California to spend Christmas with their family they didn't hesitate to come with them to Arizona and spend one of those weeks with us. Aunt Angela, who is helping her mother as she deals with serious health issues, still came to help both Grandpa and me. Even Meg who was so busy with work and school joined her dad on a second trip down.
The tip I learned through this difficult time is that no matter what happens in the coming years our family will be there for us. I won't need to ask. But it is so important to tell your family what you are doing. What you are worried about. What is happening with Grandpa. It is important to get their ideas and opinions and then utilize anything they share with you. They each knew better than I did about what I needed and then made sure it was provided. As I continue to share updates on Grandpa I can be sure that they are listening and will know what to do when I am not sure.
President Eyring taught, "Our most important and powerful assignments are in the family. They are important because the family has the opportunity at the start of a child's life to put feet firmly on the path home." I have witnessed the results of families who have taught their children to put their feet firmly on the path home because I witnessed the miracle of service that touched our lives during a very trying time. I am confident that as the disease progresses, as it will, that I will have other experiences to show me that we won't be dealing with anything alone.
Sunday, February 10, 2019
Caregiver Tip
#2 No one can love him like I do.
I approach this particular tip very carefully. I will never judge another person for the decisions they make in caring for a loved one who requires long term care. Sweet Grandma was in a memory facility the last few years of her life, and I believe she got good care by the caregivers there. I was working full time when she came to live with us and after a year my Aunt Erma asked if she could come over for a visit to Phoenix. I took her to the airport and put her on a plane for a week visit. While there my Aunt and sister encouraged her to stay there and so they put her in an assisted care facility where my sister at that time worked. Unfortunately, the newness wore off and my sister moved away and my Aunt didn't have the time to be very involved. After they dropped out I came to Phoenix each month to take care of any needs she had. I refilled her medications, took her shopping for clothes and other items, took her out to lunch, and cleaned her carpet-- because my sister thought she needed company and got her a little dog that was not potty trained. As her dementia increased her fears increased and it was time to move her to another facility for memory loss where she lived until she had a stroke and passed away. During that time I never told the facility I was coming and often stopped in more than once in the day to see how she was doing. It was a good fit for her and I believe that she was happy just being around other women and participating in the various activities that were provided.
My goal from the beginning of the Alzheimer's diagnosis was to keep Grandpa with me. I know him. I LOVE him. And I know that he would be miserable in a place that he has so many people around him coming and going. Even now he is a very private person and having someone he didn't know bath him, and take care of his needs would not be a good thing. I would worry that he would have to be restrained to keep him from hurting himself or someone else and that is enough to keep me doing everything I can to keep him with me.
I don't know what the future holds but I will continue to do all I can to be healthy enough to care for the both of us. It is a wonderful blessing to have had many happy memories of our time together so I can draw on the strength I need to try to make many more--even if I am the only one who will remember.
I approach this particular tip very carefully. I will never judge another person for the decisions they make in caring for a loved one who requires long term care. Sweet Grandma was in a memory facility the last few years of her life, and I believe she got good care by the caregivers there. I was working full time when she came to live with us and after a year my Aunt Erma asked if she could come over for a visit to Phoenix. I took her to the airport and put her on a plane for a week visit. While there my Aunt and sister encouraged her to stay there and so they put her in an assisted care facility where my sister at that time worked. Unfortunately, the newness wore off and my sister moved away and my Aunt didn't have the time to be very involved. After they dropped out I came to Phoenix each month to take care of any needs she had. I refilled her medications, took her shopping for clothes and other items, took her out to lunch, and cleaned her carpet-- because my sister thought she needed company and got her a little dog that was not potty trained. As her dementia increased her fears increased and it was time to move her to another facility for memory loss where she lived until she had a stroke and passed away. During that time I never told the facility I was coming and often stopped in more than once in the day to see how she was doing. It was a good fit for her and I believe that she was happy just being around other women and participating in the various activities that were provided.
My goal from the beginning of the Alzheimer's diagnosis was to keep Grandpa with me. I know him. I LOVE him. And I know that he would be miserable in a place that he has so many people around him coming and going. Even now he is a very private person and having someone he didn't know bath him, and take care of his needs would not be a good thing. I would worry that he would have to be restrained to keep him from hurting himself or someone else and that is enough to keep me doing everything I can to keep him with me.
I don't know what the future holds but I will continue to do all I can to be healthy enough to care for the both of us. It is a wonderful blessing to have had many happy memories of our time together so I can draw on the strength I need to try to make many more--even if I am the only one who will remember.
Saturday, February 9, 2019
Caregiver Tip
#1 Being kind, isn't always kind.
For quite some time before I finally got up the courage to take Grandpa to the doctor I knew that his memory was not as it should be. I rationalized that he had always been the "absent-minded professor" and it was just getting more manifested as he grew older. My concerns couldn't be ignored when we were on our way to Uncle Andy and Aunt Angela's house for dinner one night. He was driving and he said to me, I don't know where to go." I told him we were going to the kids house for dinner. He said, "I know, I just don't know where they live." As it turned out we were getting ready to turn our paperwork in for a mission call and needed a physical before we did.
At the doctor office I told the doctor my concerns about grandpa. The first thing she did was give the oral test that they initially do to test for dementia or Alzheimer's. It consists of ten questions and Grandpa got everything right. She said she thought that it might be related to his thyroid and gave me medication for that. One of the requirements was that we give permission to the doctor to tell the mission department any health concerns that they see. She didn't tell us of any. I believe she did know that Grandpa was in early stage Alzheimer's disease and didn't want to worry us. I think the mission department also knew and the reason it took so long for the call to come was they weren't sure what he would be able to do as a missionary. I am not sorry about where we ended up serving and what we did while we were there but I felt bad that we didn't have any conversation with anyone about why our requests weren't honored like many of our friends were who were serving missions.
By the time we left the missionary training center it was obvious that it was dangerous for Grandpa to drive and I ended up driving us across the United States. In spite of that he did an amazing job at the archives and until the last two months of our mission we kept an incredible pace. Even more miraculous was the fact when he was producing half the digital pictures he had been doing, I began to produce more and so our numbers never dropped until the end of our mission.
Once home it was time to deal with the reality that something was seriously wrong and Grandpa needed help. Lincoln found a medical facility that specialized in memory loss and I made an appointment. Again they did all the oral and written tests and he did fairly well. The doctor ordered a brain scan and after the results came back he then told us that Grandpa had Alzheimer's disease. He prescribed a variety of medications. The medications made a difference but the problems didn't go away. When I asked the Doctor what we needed to know his answer was, "find a facility for him to live in." That was it. I realize he was preparing me for the worst but I was stunned by the lack of empathy for Grandpa. He's didn't offer any encouragement for me. Interesting though was that Uncle Bill told me about a book to read about Alzheimer's and I read it cover to cover. The reality of what was coming was painful and overwhelming but I finally knew exactly what was going to be required on his journey and knew that although it would be hard I could be there for him and we would make it through.
I think some times we know things that might help but don't want to offend of upset someone we care about. But in reality knowledge is power. Once I read the book I was very sad and a little scared--but I knew exactly what was happening, what needed to be done, and that if it was to be it was up to me. In dealing with both the neurologist and urologist since we have moved to Gilbert I have so appreciated their blunt candor about treatment for dad. They were honest and helpful and very up-front with me about the care that they would give dad and the encouragement and support they would offer me. That is what kindness should be.
For quite some time before I finally got up the courage to take Grandpa to the doctor I knew that his memory was not as it should be. I rationalized that he had always been the "absent-minded professor" and it was just getting more manifested as he grew older. My concerns couldn't be ignored when we were on our way to Uncle Andy and Aunt Angela's house for dinner one night. He was driving and he said to me, I don't know where to go." I told him we were going to the kids house for dinner. He said, "I know, I just don't know where they live." As it turned out we were getting ready to turn our paperwork in for a mission call and needed a physical before we did.
At the doctor office I told the doctor my concerns about grandpa. The first thing she did was give the oral test that they initially do to test for dementia or Alzheimer's. It consists of ten questions and Grandpa got everything right. She said she thought that it might be related to his thyroid and gave me medication for that. One of the requirements was that we give permission to the doctor to tell the mission department any health concerns that they see. She didn't tell us of any. I believe she did know that Grandpa was in early stage Alzheimer's disease and didn't want to worry us. I think the mission department also knew and the reason it took so long for the call to come was they weren't sure what he would be able to do as a missionary. I am not sorry about where we ended up serving and what we did while we were there but I felt bad that we didn't have any conversation with anyone about why our requests weren't honored like many of our friends were who were serving missions.
By the time we left the missionary training center it was obvious that it was dangerous for Grandpa to drive and I ended up driving us across the United States. In spite of that he did an amazing job at the archives and until the last two months of our mission we kept an incredible pace. Even more miraculous was the fact when he was producing half the digital pictures he had been doing, I began to produce more and so our numbers never dropped until the end of our mission.
Once home it was time to deal with the reality that something was seriously wrong and Grandpa needed help. Lincoln found a medical facility that specialized in memory loss and I made an appointment. Again they did all the oral and written tests and he did fairly well. The doctor ordered a brain scan and after the results came back he then told us that Grandpa had Alzheimer's disease. He prescribed a variety of medications. The medications made a difference but the problems didn't go away. When I asked the Doctor what we needed to know his answer was, "find a facility for him to live in." That was it. I realize he was preparing me for the worst but I was stunned by the lack of empathy for Grandpa. He's didn't offer any encouragement for me. Interesting though was that Uncle Bill told me about a book to read about Alzheimer's and I read it cover to cover. The reality of what was coming was painful and overwhelming but I finally knew exactly what was going to be required on his journey and knew that although it would be hard I could be there for him and we would make it through.
I think some times we know things that might help but don't want to offend of upset someone we care about. But in reality knowledge is power. Once I read the book I was very sad and a little scared--but I knew exactly what was happening, what needed to be done, and that if it was to be it was up to me. In dealing with both the neurologist and urologist since we have moved to Gilbert I have so appreciated their blunt candor about treatment for dad. They were honest and helpful and very up-front with me about the care that they would give dad and the encouragement and support they would offer me. That is what kindness should be.
Friday, February 8, 2019
New Project
I follow a lot of Pinterest posts about Alzheimer's. There is a collection of Caregiver Tips that I find interesting but it has made me realize that dealing with the challenges of giving care to a loved one is different for every person who does it. I decided that I would start my own Caregiver Tips. I have been writing my thoughts down for a while and they are in no particular order of importance. I will do one a day (unless I forget a day!). I hope that this will give you some perspective on what is required in life when you encounter difficult situations. As in everything in life there can at any given time be the good, the bad, and the ugly!
Monday, February 4, 2019
Birthday Dinner
Saturday, February 2, 2019
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