Caregiver Tip

#22  Know when to stop
An unknown person wrote, "In life, it's important to know when to stop arguing with people and simply let them be wrong."  Whoever wrote that--knew me!   I think of the progression of the disease and often look back on how hard I made it on myself because I couldn't accept what was happening.  I guess I wanted to fight our way out of Alzheimer's.  At this point it is obvious that it was a losing battle from the beginning.  I remember saying to Grandpa when he was struggling at the beginning that he needed to try harder and not give up.  In reality he had no idea what I meant and it was me that needed to accept what was happening.  Lately I have thought about the feelings I had for the first two years after we got the "official" diagnosis.  I don't think that until recently I realized  how intense grief could be.  But eventually the grief became manageable, the tears were not daily, the promptings became stronger, and the needed ability increased.  That period of time became the defining moment I needed to let go and make our new challenge work.  Believe it or not, I am so grateful that we ignored many of the symptoms because there was no turning back.  Alzheimer's wasn't a disease that early detection would have given us a better prognosis.  And for me the struggles were much more manageable because once I knew what was to be our new reality my peaks and valley moments of grief didn't drag on.

I have come to realize something I once read.  "Grief never ends...but it changes.  It is a passage, not a place to stay.  Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith...it is the price of love."  I am lucky because for 48 years we paid the price of love so that now when Grandpa is struggling and lashing out I have memories that come to my mind that temper the sharpness of the moment and allow me to stop from lashing back.  Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, "It is your reaction to adversity not the adversity itself, that determines how your life story will develop." Recently Grandpa was upset with something and he walked up to me and slammed his forehead into mine.  It was so painful that I lost my temper with him.  I told him to go away from me.  In an instant I saw the shock on his face  because he truly didn't know why I was upset with him.  I was able to stop my anger and get control of the rage that I was feeling.  Because I have learned how to do that, both Grandpa and I, are able to manage the disease that has taken so much from both of us.

I am surprised at how much I have had to learn to stop.  Stop thinking that it would get easier.  It actually gets harder but I know the truth of the story in the Book of Mormon about Alma and his people when they learned to cry to the Lord because of their afflictions.  In Mosiah 24:12-15 it teaches, "And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.  And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon their shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.  And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord."  And so, I stop holding onto things that aren't making it easier.  Switching to Depends changed everything for me.  Buying shoes without laces and putting zippers, belts, and buttons away lightened the daily burden of getting him dressed and undressed.  Letting him eat whatever he wanted and trying to cajole him into eating became less important and plying him with ice cream became a wonderful change.  The list goes on and actually will continue to evolve as I work to make him and me more able to cope with the disease.