Caregiver Tip

#27 Kindness Means Everything
I'd like to start this Caregiver tip with an experience I had several months ago.  I had taken Grandpa to Hobby Lobby so I could get some material for a quilt I was making.  I was looking at the material when I realized that Grandpa wasn't nearby.  I then heard him say, "Elaine, Elaine" and turned around to see him talking to a lady who was looking at notions.  I walked over to bring him back with me.  I apologized to the lady and started to walk away.  As we walked I said, "It looks like you found a new friend, partner."  Before he could respond, the lady said loudly, "Yes he did!"  That simple comment was the "Balm of Gilead" that I needed in that moment.  Years ago Sister Chieko N. Okazaki said in a talk, "May we all deal kindly with one another, seeking in our lives the blessings of the Apostle Paul, that our "hearts might be comforted, being knit together in love."

The reality is that as a caregiver it is easy to be hard on yourself when they slip away, or yell throughout the store and nothing you say can quiet the outbursts.  The worst is when he loudly broadcasts to those around us while we are waiting for a service or in line to check out that he hates me.  It is never quiet and it doesn't stop with the one hate.  I feel my face warm up as I see the looks on the peoples faces around me.  Some are angry, some are scared, and some exude sympathy.  This may sound funny but the tears come to my eyes when I see the sympathetic ones!

May I share some ideas of how to deal with taking someone in public who has memory loss.  A) I always tell the clerks that are helping us that he has Alzheimer's.  Often their response is to share a story of a member of their family who has dementia or Alzheimer's.  B) When Grandpa escalates I always begin to talk very quietly and continually say "we're almost done."  C) I try to get out early before he starts shutting down.  You have to remember that a person with memory loss is in a constant state of confusion which is also fear.  By early evening he can't process the easiest request and his physical body is exhausted, shaking, and in pain.  I am adjusting our errands now and often ask Aunt Amy to watch Grandpa if I know I have something that will take more time than he can handle.  D) If you see someone who obviously has a physical or emotional disability don't engage them unless they talk to you.  I have noticed that often people try to talk him out of his frustrations and you can't.  Because we go to Hobby Lobby quite often the clerks in the fabric department have taken a special interest in him and they joke with him and he looks forward to seeing "the ladies."  They are careful to gauge his mood and act accordingly.  E) Although Grandpa can't tell me he is hungry he can become very disoriented and if I look at the clock I realize that he is uncomfortable because he needs to eat.  If we are out and about I will feed him just before we go into a store and then he handles his time there better. 

In Primary you have all sung the song,  Kindness Begins With Me.  It says, "I want to be kind to everyone for that is right you see,  So I say to myself, Remember this, Kindness begins with me."  I hope sweet grandkids that if you have learned nothing else in this process of seeing your Grandpa decline that you remember that he was always there for you.  He played, he read, he gardened, he walked and often many of you were there with him.  Your kindness to him means everything to me and I hope that in your life you will seek out those who need a kind word or a sympathetic look.  If you can be anything--be kind!