Most of you who know me know that I am a cryer. Teasing my mom about how easy her tears fell when we were kids has come back to haunt me. The difference between my mom and me is that when she cried her shoulders went up and down so there was no hiding it! My shoulders stay still but the tears flow generously. Because of that I hate certain things about taking care of Grandpa. Going to the doctor is one of them. The minute we walk in to the office my eyes tear up and I fight to hold them back. I've thought so much about why that is and I realized that the minute we walk in I am reminded that Grandpa isn't there to get better. And that always makes me sad. On our first visit to the neurologist here in Arizona Grandpa was in rare form and for a while I thought I was going to have to tackle him to calm him down. When the doctor came in he professionally scolded Grandpa who immediately settled down! We went through the whole situation and he as everyone else who has given care to Grandpa explained what "comfort care" was. I started to cry and the doctor asked if I was okay and was being a caregiver too much for me. I became a little defensive and said, "I'm not crying because I am overwhelmed, I'm crying because I'm sad!" And I am sad, but not unhappy. It's interesting because sometimes in my prayers I ask Heavenly Father to please don't make him live this way for very long. And then when he sleeps late I panic that he is gone.
I read an excellent article in LDS Living by Julieann Selden--Jesus Wept, And So Can I: Why we need to realize we don't always have to be happy. She wrote that when her husband was 28 he was diagnosed with Sarcoma cancer. She talked about the grief she felt and concern that her faith wasn't strong enough. She shared the following: "Then I thought about the life of my Savior. The shortest scripture became one of the most powerful: Jesus wept. When Lazarus died, Jesus didn’t smile, bring a casserole, and dismiss everyone’s worries. He wept. He didn’t tell Mary and Martha that if they were just stronger or more faithful, they wouldn’t feel sorrow. He cried with them. Of course He knew that death was temporary, but He didn’t push aside emotions. He felt deep sadness. After the death of His friend, He had good reason to cry, and He didn’t feel any guilt about it. Jesus Christ experienced a wide range of emotions. He felt frustration when His temple was abused and disappointment when people didn’t believe His teachings. He felt heartbroken when He was betrayed and discouraged when His apostles lacked faith. He felt intense pain, both physical and emotional. He even pleaded for relief from the agony of the Atonement. Yet for some reason, we are tempted to think we should always be happy. We expect to face trials with eagerness and beam with joy through pain and sickness. We label ourselves weak when we break from our jovial disposition. It’s not fair to put that expectation on ourselves! Our responses to trials don’t have to match anyone else’s or fit in a neat little box. We can embrace our emotions, even the difficult ones, for they truly facilitate growth. Sadness can lead us to empathy. Frustration can lead us to stand for the right. Uneasiness can lead us to prayer. And heartache can lead us to Christ." She concluded with the following thoughts. "As I look at my tear-stained face in the mirror, I realize that I am doing it right. It’s okay that I’m devastated that my husband has cancer. It’s okay that I’m concerned about our future. It’s okay that I feel frustrated when his medications don’t work or disappointed when holidays are spent in the hospital. It’s okay that we cry together as I spoon-feed him jello and wrap his body with bandages. It’s okay that we plead with God to take this cup from us if it aligns with His will. None of this means that we lack faith. If Christ’s tears inspired many, so can mine. His heart ached to see His loved ones suffer, just like my heart aches when my husband moans in pain from his hospital bed. Christ probably hated leprosy as much as I hate cancer. The scriptures never say Christ smiled in the face of agonizing trials. Some days I’m the first to smile and laugh in the hospital waiting room, but other days I remind myself that Jesus wept, and it’s okay if I do too. By facing my feelings head on, I am finding true joy. I no longer criticize myself for emotional responses to difficult situations. I no longer expect myself to always be positive and cheerful, regardless of painful circumstances. I am using my experiences and emotions to lift others through understanding and empathy. My pain, heartache, sadness, anger, frustration, worry, and disappointment are helping me learn, grow, and support the people around me. Because Jesus Christ allowed himself to feel emotions deeply, I know that I can too."
I love this young woman who shared her thoughts and inspiration about her grief. I am a cryer and it's okay. I have loved your Grandpa for almost 50 years. When he hurts, I hurt. When he can hardly stand up I want to hold him up. When he asks "what is wrong with me?" I cry because it makes no sense to him or to me. But in spite of that I can also smile, find joy in little moments we have and express gratitude for another day together!
No comments:
Post a Comment