Caregiver Tip

#1  Being kind, isn't always kind.
For quite some time before I finally got up the courage to take Grandpa to the doctor I knew that his memory was not as it should be.  I rationalized that he had always been the "absent-minded professor" and it was just getting more manifested as he grew older.  My concerns couldn't be ignored when we were on our way to Uncle Andy and Aunt Angela's house for dinner one night.  He was driving and he said to me, I don't know where to go."  I told him we were going to the kids house for dinner.  He said, "I know, I just don't know where they live."  As it turned out we were getting ready to turn our paperwork in for a mission call and needed a physical before we did.

At the doctor office I told the doctor my concerns about grandpa.  The first thing she did was give the oral test that they initially do to test for dementia or Alzheimer's.  It consists of ten questions and Grandpa got everything right.  She said she thought that it might be related to his thyroid and gave me medication for that.  One of the requirements was that we give permission to the doctor to tell the mission department any health concerns that they see.  She didn't tell us of any.  I believe she did know that Grandpa was in early stage Alzheimer's disease and didn't want to worry us.  I think the mission department also knew and the reason it took so long for the call to come was they weren't sure what he would be able to do as a missionary.  I am not sorry about where we ended up serving and what we did while we were there but I felt bad that we didn't have any conversation with anyone about why our requests weren't honored like many of our friends were who were serving missions.

By the time we left the missionary training center it was obvious that it was dangerous for Grandpa to drive and I ended up driving us across the United States.  In spite of that he did an amazing job at the archives and until the last two months of our mission we kept an incredible pace.  Even more miraculous was the fact when he was producing half the digital pictures he had been doing, I  began to produce more and so our numbers never dropped until the end of our mission.

Once home it was time to deal with the reality that something was seriously wrong and Grandpa needed help.  Lincoln found a medical facility that specialized in memory loss and I made an appointment.  Again they did all the oral and written tests and he did fairly well.  The doctor ordered a brain scan and after the results came back he then told us that Grandpa had Alzheimer's disease.  He prescribed a variety of medications.  The medications made a difference but the problems didn't go away.  When I asked the Doctor what we needed to know his answer was, "find a facility for him to live in."  That was it.  I realize he was preparing me for the worst but I was stunned by the lack of empathy for Grandpa.  He's didn't offer any encouragement for me.  Interesting though was that Uncle Bill told me about a book to read about Alzheimer's and I read it cover to cover.  The reality of what was coming was painful and overwhelming but I finally knew exactly what was going to be required on his journey and knew that although it would be hard I could be there for him and we would make it through.

I think some times we know things that might help but don't want to offend of upset someone we care about.  But in reality knowledge is power.  Once I read the book I was very sad and a little scared--but I knew exactly what was happening, what needed to be done, and that if it was to be it was up to me.  In dealing with both the neurologist and urologist since we have moved to Gilbert I have so appreciated their blunt candor about treatment for dad.  They were honest and helpful and very up-front with me about the care that they would give dad and the encouragement and support they would offer me.  That is what kindness should be.